*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
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Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.