[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
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Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Saturday
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy