Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
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the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid