Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
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One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
*pronounces woah like Noah*
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]