you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Hard not to take this personally
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Breaking news:
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.