Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Me when my alarm goes off
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf