By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
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One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”