If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Happy birthday to all the women
Why are bridges so flammable.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone