Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too