Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
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i can’t wait that long
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog