rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.