flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
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I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.