Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
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Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Oh my god
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.