Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
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Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.