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I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.