Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
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*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.