My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Called it
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I feel seen
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?