Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
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soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.