God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
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just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.