Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
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20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
adam and eve had first world problems
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one