got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
When your man makes a valid point
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya