That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
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High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I love wikipedia
Just as the prophecy foretold
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.