My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
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I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules