I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
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8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.