I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
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There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park