All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.