This is my pinned tweet
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While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Haha! 😂
can’t catch a break
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!