I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
🙁
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter