The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore