My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
my mom making me talk to relatives
i was NOT expecting this 馃槶 watch till the end
GOD: there, my first animal 馃檪
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
It鈥檚 almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Whisper out to librarians!
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I鈥檒l be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 馃嚭馃嚫
We鈥檙e at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain鈥檛 bad.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Child: What鈥檚 a pandemic?
Me: It鈥檚 like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I鈥檒l ask mom.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”