searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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Home is where your toilet is.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.