tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
It do be feeling this way.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
It’s an epidemic…
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.