[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.