*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
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[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?