[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
what’s really going on
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’