Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
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In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I need to update my racial profile.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Sheep
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26