A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.