Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
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Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
That lamp looks PISSED.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.