Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
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When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.