Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup