No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
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“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
i can’t wait that long
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die