Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
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If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
reduce, reuse, recycle
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
It’s actually Dr. whatever
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready