People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
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Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
a god among men
ouch
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
2022 will be better than 2021
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.