6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
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A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink