Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
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bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*