A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.