I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Not messing around
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.