I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
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[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires