i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
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My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
knights of the ikea table
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?