Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
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Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
when there are deer in the woods
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤